Love, Learning, And The Busy Life

Sound like a very generic non-"Hidden Depths" title? That is because it is. Its the title of its very own blog. I decided this blog was far too dark for all of my new stuff, but I can't change the format, it already has the stuff for it, so I decided to make a new blog. :) Thanks to blogger I can do that under my same name!

The link to my new blog should be under the name: "Chapter 3", under "The life of Jeremy".

Stance

I finally got some balls and told her to dump him for me.

I think its going rather well.

my days will soon consist of sleeping and working. That sucks.

I love her.

Overload with thoughts

Went to coffee today. That was fun. Prolly going to be working a third job soon. I'm getting really big into D&D, another release, it is really fun. We did it on saturday and going to continue doing it hopefully every saturday.

At coffee I was told to keep holding onto hope. I think I will. I think I am going to wait, at least for a little while. I really do love her, and I am going to be her friend whether or not it gets any deeper.

On that note I feel confident its all going to work out for me, I dont know how its going to work out, but I think I will be happy either way. I'm going to keep my options open, but I think..... I am going to stay. I know, shock. Why am I staying? Well, maybe it is because I am stupid.

I am going to move out of my house though, that is official, I dont want to live at home now that I have tasted independancy. I think I am ready, I am going to pay off a few more things, get myself a little car, save up a couple thousand dollars and then I'll be on my own. But still near by.

I am feeling very calm right now, almost reverant. Is it the music that I am listening to? Or what I am writing? Could it be what is going through my mind, the same thing that is consistantly going through my mind?

There are too many triggers, things that attack my mind are replay my stupidity. I spoke of it at the work party on Saturday, for the first time. I didnt get much feedback, I shut up after that.

"Who needs love anyway?" I got asked that today. I said that I do. Maybe I dont need it to survive, or be happy, but I need it. I dont know how to explain it. I have gotten past the 'depressed' Jeremy, I have moved beyond the 'needy' Jeremy, I am now the..... 'whatever the hell I am' Jeremy. Perhaps its a bad thing that I have stopped showing that I care when things hurt me, I dont want to be attention seeking, I dont want to be depressed and have everyone concerned about my well being. So I am not depressed and I am not attention seeking. I am still fun and sensitive, hopeful and loud, helpful and deep. Its all there on the inside, but I have discovered something, its not always good to express myself, I am not keeping it kempt in, I do say when something is on my mind, I just do not over do it.

I dont know what I am saying anymore. Haha. I hope I am better though. Ha! I still tell her that I like her, even when she does have a boyfriend. :/ I'm prolly retarded for doing it. I feel that way.

I wish I knew what she was thinking anymore. Really, she had stopped telling me things after she got mad at me, even after we made up. It was always a silly moment for us, there was never time for me to tell her what I felt, and there was never the thought that I even had a chance anymore. Not until after it was too late. They tell me its not too late.... are they right? I really wish we were more open. I just feel like it would have been much easier.

:P Listen to me filling your minds with my regrets. Yes, I suppose they are regrets. Bah! I know what I am going to do if I get another chance though. As soon as I have it I will act. I am not passing it up again, I am not letting her go again. Unless she doesnt want it of course. She says she is happy when she is with me. At least sinse I have not been retarded. I feel happy with her, I have always felt happy around her and with her. ^_^ it makes me smile just thinking about it.

Wow. Ranting about love again. What else is happening? I dont really know, not much else is on my mind, I suppose that is why I can talk about it so much, eh? My friend has been texting me a lot lately, I think she likes me. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. Perhaps I am too infatuated with her to give anyone else a chance, but I suppose that is how it has always been after I met her, except for a couple of times, I think that is after I had given up though. I dont know. I think I am going to ask her what she wants me to do when she gets back. I know that is retarded of me. But its my best bet. She will prolly tell me exactly what I tell her. "Do whatever you want." I hope she gives me a specific response. Should I move on with my life? Or should I wait? Should I get as far away from her as possible? Or should I stay? I dont know what else I can ask. I want her to tell me what exactly she is thinking about me right now. Maybe I'll ask that too.

God. How did I get away with that twice, just speaking my mind I guess. Let me know what you all think. He is definately a retard. I know. I'll get over it, I'm good at that. Aaaaaand.... I'm going to bed now.

Goodnight everyone. ^_^v

wrong

I look back at a lot of my old posts and I have noticed a consistancy, each time I have had a girl I have felt like I was in love. I dont know if its the case this time, it might be like every other time, or maybe its something more. It feels like everything works, like there is some life in it, some spice, but consistancy, there are no long lasting hard feelings, no boredom.... just bliss. But who knows. I've been wrong before.

Letter

I wrote you a letter last night, in the cold while I floated in the chair, there was everything. How I felt, how I truely felt. I've lied to everyone, even myself. I do everything to convince myself that you are not good for me, not what I want, not what I need. I find other people and try to attach myself to them, it never works, I always come back. I try not to think about you, I really do. It doesnt work. I wanted to give you this letter, so many things that would be hard to take in, I suppose that is why I did not give it to you, I am afraid, I have always been afraid of failing, of loosing, of not being good enough, I've been so afraid that I couldnt see past my own nose, I could not see my chance, and I feel like its lost, like there is no chance anymore.

I.... I hope there is.

quiet

I cant help but feel lonely tonight, a longing, a needing, I am happy... enough. But lonely.

In the Rain

We played in the rain tonight, got ourselves soaked and had tons of fun doing something I had not done in forever. Its always fun doing things that are out of the ordinary.

Its funny how a lot of things come to me after the fact. Its really sad that I only see hints after the time has passed, or if I saw them on time I never act upon what I know. Although I am perfectly happy right now I find it quite ironic that I only have feelings for those I cannot have.

I got my new job, it is a lot of hard work but also tons of fun. Then going to my other job is not quite so hard and is very relaxing as well. I stand all day to sit and talk on the phone all night. So everything is all good. I have a very strong feeling that for me it is all going to work out.

Thanks for reading again... for those who do. ^_^

Date

It was fun. My day may have started off badly, but by the time I was in the car with my over giggly friend we were having fun. We started by going to a restaurant that is out of town that she had never gone to before. We ate ourselves full, it was great. Then we went out into the country area a little and found a turn off, we walked down this make shift trail (much of it made by me) and found ourselves at an area where it looked a bridge used to be we talked for sometime sarcastically haha! It was fun. And then on the way home we saw an amazing rainbow, check that out, if you look closely you will see it goes through all of the normal stripes, then to aqua and then purple again!


The lower picture is the same as the above, I only changed the saturation! Isnt that crazy!


Its a full rainbow! Way cool!

Cold

Its very cold this morning, overcast and gloomy. My mind seems dead set on mistakes that I have made and things I should have done. I should have done this then instead of thought about it after. I should have won that struggle when I thought about doing this. Regrets of wrong doings seem to constantly haunt me on the after of all the huge letdowns in my life.

Its my fault they are let downs you know. Every last time something happens that makes me sad, its because I could have done something to make it good. Make me happy. I cant say that I am unhappy right now, but its a moment when regrets are filled in my mind. But things will pass. I have a good day ahead of me, I just hate to start it on a bad note.

(More updates tonight after the date ^_^)

Unexpected

Hahahah! I have a date. When I first asked I didn't expect it to happen. But it looks like it is. My best friend sinse forever, who of which I vowed to take her on her first date, though I still have not gotten to take her on a date. Its been years sinse we really talked and this is probably the fourth or fifth time that I have asked her. And this time she actually asked me if I was still up for Saturday! Hahahah! this is going to be great I am way excited. Autumn is really the perfect time for a date and a hike up the canyon is the perfect activity, lets include a picknic and it will be perfect. Here is a picture of her, I'll prolly have more by Saturday night when I update you all on it. ^_^v

A.O.K.

Its all good. Just had to figure out what was going on. ^_^v. Other news: I am going job hunting. I know.... its a shock, its not like I havent said this a million times.... maybe not on the blog but elsewhere. I am really bugged at myself for not having a full time job, and not doing school. All I am doing is a pansy part time job (which I am going to keep, gotta love the disco :P). Anywho, I took some pictures of a friend the other day, I think they look good, yes, surprise, they are the first pictures in a while... Greatly to my dismay my camera stopped working for some time, and even more to my relife I found out it was just the battery that was not working. Why you ask me it took so long?? Ha! There was so much on my tray already. Two break ups and a .... whatever the hell it was all in the same short period of time. I was up to my neck in gross emotional stuff including tears and drugs and stuff. Though I am sure you have not quite figured that out after the a million entry's of emense depression. Right now. I am A.O.K. (whatever that means). Haha, anyway, enjoying myself with a great deal of Aquabats and World of Warcraft (looking for me? I'm on the Daralan server under the name of Ithsmus).

Overwhelmed? I doubt that. Surprised? I'm sure. This is a different feel than my other entry's yes. Will it continue? Maybe. I have no idea what kind of mood I am going to be in next time I decide to write an entry. I am sure you will continue to see these in the future. and I am sure you will see those emo ones too! (if you are thinking thats a bad thing. Well it isnt. I think they are pretty, even if the idea behind them is exagerated and rediculous hehe.)

Keep me alive people. Post comments. I love comments. They give me feel goods and/or maybe something to go off of in a more closer(?) entry.

In response to comment in last entry (Thank you Son_of_Thunder17). Its all good. I am over the initial shock.

Relived

I'm glad I didnt say anything. I dont think anything i could have said would have been pleasant. I guess I should be happy, it is what I was asking for. I cant wait till I get the hell out of Utah.

Wasteing

God, I am not doing anything with my life right now. Hopefully I get the supervisor position so my job becomes full time, otherwise.... I am pathetic.

Regret

Sometimes people feel regrets. At times I am filled with regrets, I regret at times every time I made a person cry or angry. I regret leaving people that I've loved. I still love them you know. Every one of them and it is hard to turn back, I know what I did is right, but in the darkest of nights and when the world is covered in shadow while the bright stars do not glitter because of the veil of clouds. I am sad, I do have regrets at times. I will recover I will be better.

Release

A new release for me, I'm feeling pretty good lately, no girls right now. Just me and my life, not even interacting with people. Its nice to have solitude. I am excited to leave Utah though, get a fresh start.

Here is my release right now

Void

Nothing. Its all gone. Everything. Any plans I do have at this point have been delayed. Any person that I have been with are gone and basically out of my life. I am really ready to move on.... and I cant. Its sad that I have to depend on others to make me happy a lot of the time, lately I have been trying to be happy on my own accord, its been working.... sorta....

Stupid

Everything is so warm now. So tingly.... I cant sleep though. She broke up with me because I was dumb, she is so sweet though, she says she wants to get to know me now before we just be together. It hurts, it shouldnt, I am ok with it, I understand, but it still hurts. But right now it doesnt hurt so much, its all warm right now. Everything is out of focus. light and dark are almost the same. My breathing is slow I cant talk without gasping after each sentence.

I apologized, I realized how dumb I was... and how dumb I am. I feel terrible. I wish things could amend. She was like my sister, I would dare say she still is like my sister, but its been so long sinse she has spoken to me.... I still dont know exactly what I did wrong. But I know I was stupid and manipulative. Nothing really seems like anyone else's fault anymore. I know I was in the wrong the whole time now.

I feel so sick. I am sweating everywhere and yet I am cold. The light is making my head hurt now. My stomache hurts. Everything burns and yet I am still cold. I wish I could sleep, I wish they would put me to sleep, but they are not working. I thought I would never use them again. But I did. I knew I wouldnt be able to sleep. I knew I would keep crying for being so dumb. And now I still cant sleep. But I'm not crying now. I cant cry now. but I still know how dumb I am. I wanted to talk to someone. Someone to make me feel better. But the only person that I actually wanted to talk to about what was happening hates me now. Maybe I should call my sister, she always listens.... never makes things to much better though... well I guess she does... but she is the only one I have called in the past couple of weeks. I really should talk to someone though, even if I dont want to.

Fuck

Sometimes I can be a really big fool, its not who I am... but it happens. I am sorry to everyone it has effected. I dont know what I am thinking lately. I wish I could take so many things back. I hate being hated. I hate being stupid.

I hope this feeling goes away.

Story Book Night

That song still plays in my mind to this very day. The song that we danced to with so few stars shining through the clouds. I still remember us looking at the stars and listening to the heart of the earth. I am still in love with your beauty like a plasid lake on a stary night, reflecting the beauty of the world makeing yourself and everthing around so amazing. I am still in awe of your smile like the sun it emenates warth and light. I still remeber the kiss after the dance so pure and right. I still remember that story book night.

Hello

Hello world, things are wonderful for me. Hello girl who makes my life happy. Hello friends that make things fun. Hello Arizona that is just around the corner.

Beautiful

You are beautiful my best friend. Though we have stopped talking, you are still beautiful. The way you think and live and love. The way you find joy and anger, and the way it all leaves your lips. You are still beautiful. The way that you hate me and the way it hurts is still beauty to look upon. You were an amazing friend and I do not regret one moment spent with you, I still care my bestfriend, and I still think you are beautiful.

You are beautiful my princess of old, though I have grown apart from you and moved on in my life, you are still beautiful to me, the way you care and share and give without complaint. You are beautiful the way you smile and play and tease. The memories I shared with you will always have a place in my heart and your face will always be a loved one, though I have moved on you are still a princess to me.

You are beautiful my new love. The way that you are alive and how you smile always, everytime I look in your eyes they gleam with joy. You are beautiful in the way that I want to be happy even in the darkest of times. You have given me new life, and for that, you have my love.

To each girl who has touched my lips and had my deepest love, this is my tribute to you, I care about you and I love you, I never will stop caring or loving no matter where this life takes me, I will always be there if you call and ask. And to each of you I thank, because I have gained so much from being with you.

I smile at my memories with you.

Hated

It feels so wrong and it hurts so bad to be hated so much by someone who all I ever did to was try to be there for them and help them.

Trapped

My car is gone.... er... well.... my sister took her car back. That means no more driving around and doing whatever I want, no more going to work early, no more not being home..... now all I can do is laze about my own house and moan about how my car is gone. I cant even visit people anymore. And Loren has a job now, a real job, so he cant kidnap me and haul me to Hyrum either. Once again, I am home, forever. The end.

happy

Its simply beautiful, everything is crashing down around me except one simple thing, and that is what is keeping me up. It is keeping me happy, so beautiful, thoughtful, extrodinary. The simple miracle of things happening so quickly, and so perfectly. It all fits together so well. I am happy and for the first time in a long time, I want to be, I really do.

Disapointed

I guess nothing can cure this feeling of being alone. Sometimes it can be pushed away, but never completely gone. I have never felt so alone as when she came and it wasnt cured, the only thing that kept me going before was hope, hope for something that was comeing. It was foolish to think that the grass would be greener. But really, what is wrong with thinking that? It is optimistic and it did give me hope. But on the other hand dissapointment is so much more bitter than anything else. I am so dissapointed in my own ability to love anymore. Dissapionted with my lack of faith in what everyone tells me is real. I am dissapointed in the fact that I have lost all hope of things getting better. I do want to run away, but I am afraid of dissapointment again. Will I ever stop being dissapointed? The drugs are finally starting to kick in again, soon I wont be able to feel the soft tears rolling down my cheek.

High

Finally the pain killers are starting to kick in, I was wondering when I would stop feeling again. Oh God, this feels good, I feel so relaxed and carefree, I suppose this is what it is like to be high. :] I like it.

Fire

The destructive beauty of fire enthralls me, I could stand and look at its destructive nature in endless awe admiring its beauty. The color and personality of all of it keeps me alive at times even when it devours everything around it. I love watching the fire while it is wild but eventually it will burn out I find, that after a time it devours everything that keeps it alive. But if the fire is taken and kept it can last forever, its beauty will go on as long as it is well taken care of. Yes if a person wants to keep a fire alive without letting it go they would have to give it constant attention. But the reward is amazing, if kept in check the fire can be a source of warmth and light which are things ever strived for by every living person.

Perhaps there are two types of people in this word, there are fires and feeders, the fires are renown and loved, but they cannot survive without the feeders.

The question comes down to: Am I a fire or a feeder? I know the answer, do you?

Dissapear

God, I dont know what I am doing anymore. It seems as though every which turn I can take will lead to more problems and drama. At least that is what is said, one turn I doubt, and the other everyone doubts. Is there no relief from this torure that is life? Now my quest turns back to where it began, I want to run away, run away from all of my problems, everyone tells me that that is not going to solve anything that all it is going to do is make everyone heartbroken. I dont want to break anyones hearts but it feels as though staying will just break their hearts more.

I want to turn off my phone, delete my e-mail account, my blog accounts, my username for everything I am part of. I want to completely dissapear from everyones lives and never return. I want to remember that knowlege that the greif will only last a short amount of time. Someone once said something very wise to me. When people look at a photograh the one face they go to first and go back to the most is their own. At first it will matter but just like loosing a loved one they will soon all but forget I was even part of their lives. That is how life is, people tell me they will miss me if I left, even die if I left them. No, no they wont, they will take one look and say, "well he was stupid." Or maybe, "Why did you leave Jeremy?" There may be tears but it will not last, only a week, maybe a month if I really meant something to them, but after that I shall be but a passing thought. I wonder what has happened to Jeremy? There will be no quest or hunt to find me like is seen in movies, there will be no life long grieving like read in books. Only that passing thought.

I will dissapear when you least expect, and you wont care, I can assure you.

Defied

Why does nothing happen the way it is supposed to?

...

Oh God I screwed up bad. What am I going to do?

Alone

Sometimes I just want to be alone. I want bleed from the deeps in peace, I want to wallow in my self inflicted misery my self created pain. I find it easy to blame myself for everying, and I find it hard to blame anyone else for anything. I may think at first that the fault belongs to another but my mind destroys me and tears me apart, I want to hate myself, it is so much easier than hating others. I don’t have to explain myself then, I don’t have to fight or argue, I accept it and I am the only one I have to fight over it. I blame myself for all my wrongs, I blame myself for all of your wrongs, it is always my fault.

Enchantement

I feel as though under and enchantement, as if I am half alive and half dead, I cannot feel except for that warmth that only masaches my muscles. Everything is only half there, when like this I am not controlled by thought or heart but by instinct. It is a dull instinct, unsure of what to do or how to feel about things. My head is throbbing and my heart is only soft in my chest as though ready to give way to the demanding power of my body.

"I want to live where the soul meets body."

Rain

How can you stand the yelling? The screaming? We take each drop as it falls. We take it in stride as the cold missels sting our skin. Each drop does not seem to touch us, until we are soaked, then it weighs on us and we just want to stop. Each ridicule, each attack, each accusation doesnt seem to hurt until we are soaked from all of it. We just want to come back in from the rain. We want to get inside and warm ourselves by the fire. Sometimes we want a break from the pain that scratches our skin until it scrapes it raw and we begin to bleed.

Inspired by a friend.

Gracefully

Gracefully I made my way through my day doing nothing at all. It seemed as though I was doing something sometimes, but like a butterfly. I am busy doing nothing, I flap my wings around prettily, but really I am only stalling life, getting behind on what I could be doing. I could be running, calling a friend. I sit at my computer looking at nothing and doing nothing as my life passes before me.

I dont mind though

Chill

I felt the chill of death today, while the wind brushed my skin and I tried to feel my way through the darkness. Like a cave the black night veiled my every move from myself, each step was blind and careful. I felt as though each shadow maring even the indigo obsidian which was the night, was seeking to take my life and silently end my very existance in order to take away my long desired joy, and so my ever needed love would come and find my very being gone and eaten by worms. A vision entered into my mind of the grief that would amiss from that, the tears that would roll down her angelic face, and sobs reverberating from her heavenly lips. I could only touch the silence with my mind when that wakening dream etched my thoughts. I touched it so tenderly and carefully as afraid that I may in actuality make those shining drops slip accross her face.

I was afraid

Fun

I had fun tonight.
good friends.....

fast food....And a camera in my hand....

Do I need a better reason?

Strange Demons

Strange Demons

Enchant my soul

they seek to destroy me

like sons to avenge their fathers

They seek to take back my joy

And they did.....

But that is all going to end

I have made a choice to be happy.... most of the time. I belive everyone needs to be sad sometimes to remind them of what happieness is. We all need to experiance the bad to know what good is, or in some cases appriciate what is good. Maybe that is why I had to be away from her for so long, because I had her for so long, I know what it is like to be without her now. Yes, it is Hell, but I belive it has helped me not only realise just how much I love her but also how happy I was with her.

I.... dont know what to say.

One-Hundred

Strange how life works out the way that you want it too, even if you dont know what it is that you want. At times things by themselves may not be working how you like or enjoy, but in the end you do not regret it. When I say the end I mean the very end, things come and go and as they pass they may seem so good or so bad. But in the end it doesnt really matter. Its as if things that happen good or bad always seem to work out of the best in the end. A person may be bummed out about how they lost the one they thought they "loved" but in the end they find someone that they love even more. Or when someone loses a lot of money or a good job, something better comes out, either more money or the appriciation of what they do have. Bad things happen for a reason. They happen to make the good things look good. Perhaps all the bad things are good things, they just arent as good as the things we consider to be good things. I belive there is no true negative, there may be a zero. But no negative. I would personally have to say that zero is the worst thing that can ever happen to a person. Zero is nothing, when a person dies they may end at zero, or they may end in heaven. Lets say that one-hundred is the absolute top, that can be something we consider good or bad, but in the end it is the best thing that ever happened to a person. Whoever is experiancing one-hundred may not be liking it at the time, but in the end that is what they are most grateful for.

No regrets
No bad
No zero

And to me, right now, she is my one-hundred.

Day

Sweating
Laughing
Living
Crying
Dieing
Crying

This was my day.

"Unhealthy" That is how they describe her to me. I would know. I've been with her longer than any of them, I know her better than any of them. They are right though, they see what she is doing, and what its doing to me. My self punishing and ever forgiving personality assurs this, everything becomes my fault, not only in her eyes, but in mine too. Its hard for me to even acknowlege that she is bad for me. Its more like me being around her is bad for me. God. This whole situation is Hell. She needs me, and I know she needs me.

I dont know what to do.

I guess I'll just love unconditionally, thats always worked for me.

Letter

"hey my love, I feel like writing to you. After we stopped talking I read all your blog entries all over again. Every single word at least once. You are a great writer, did you know that? The real depressing parts scare me a bit, but I know you are a happy person actually : ) After that I felt like going outside and taking a long walk in the rain, so I did. I thought about you and what you wrote and what you said to me and how happy I am when I can be with you, even just hear your voice. And I thought about what I could tell mom or better how I could tell her that I don't want to leave for two weeks right after I get there...It would be horrible having to leave you again right away. I decided to call her right when I got home and I did. But i couldn't change anything. She has planned everything already, booked stuff and all and she is way excited about it. I told her that I wanted to be with you and with other friends and everything...she understands but it is too late to change the plans. What am I gonna do, love? It makes me so sad... They want to take me to California, to Hollywood, Disneyland and all that fun stuff. I hope I can have fun there without you. I don't want to go, really. you have to know that, I would rather be with you. but I can understand that they want to spend time with me...why does it have to be so long though?I am confused, I don't know what to feel...I am angry cause I have just been wating for something that would destroy my dream that seemed so close to becoming true, everything seemed to work out just like I wanted it to. but now it doesn't anymore. now I am only gonna see you for 4 weeks instead of 6. it makes me cry. I hate this, Jeremy! I am gonna see you at the airport when I get there. they want to have the party the next day and I am gonna be tired that night so we can't hang out. maybe the next night, before I leave again. I should just steal out at night and meet you and stay with you all night, just with you. I am gonna need a lot of Jeremy before I am gonna have to leave you again for two weeks...I am gonna die cause I will miss you so much. they can't let me have you and then take you away again, that's just cruel! but it's how it is gonna be...I am sorry, I guess it is my turn to write depressing stuff, huh. it is just that it makes me so sad...all right, they will get their two weeks, then they won't see much of me for the rest of the time, cause I am gonna run away with you and hide some place nobody can find us! you know what? I love you tons, many, many tons and I can't stand being away from you anymore. it breaks my heart. you are the real reason I am coming this summer, I hope you know that. you are what is most important to me. I dont want to see hollywood or disneyland and I don't want to have a party. i just want to hug you and kiss you and talk to you for hours and hours and feel you being close to me. I will go on this trip cause it will make my family happy especially mom and the girls, they are so excited to meet me and they need me. and as soon as i get back I will be with you every day. can't we go to arizona for like a week or something, driving there and being there together? we have to make up for the two weeks we are missing...well I could go on like this forever and you are probably already tired reading this, sorry. see how much I need you to talk to me? : )I love you so much my cute love. so so much. it hurts to love so much."

This is kind, this is understanding, this is love. I dont know what to do my love, I dont know what to say, that two weeks is going to be harder than any of this ever was. But we can make it. We have a life time to be together after this is all over.

I love her

Memory

"If she is as bad for you as you say why do you hang out with her all the time still?"

That is a question that I have often wondered about, myself. I suppose there are reasons on both sides. I think my biggest argument for hanging out with her is that she fills in the space, she makes me feel needed, and she keeps me distracted from that egging hole inside of me. But there are so many things that dont make sense, her manipulative ways, the way that she makes me angry. Things are so exteme when I with her, but she is definately not good for me.

My friends and I went to the movies today, it was good to see them again, I have not spoken to either for a while. We are so close, but since my love had left I have spent less and less time with both of them, I love them but its hard to stay so close without her, perhaps they carry so much memory of her, I cry to myself and I lie to myself when they are there. They remind me of what I had and how much I miss it.

I love her so much.

On

Life goes on no matter what I do. Life continues no matter how much I cry, or how much I beg to die. I'm glad that I am able to continue, even when I complain about the simplest things, I complain about myself most of all, but I manage to continue. Its easy for me to get up every morning, even when it was so hard to get to bed the night before. Its easy for me to look upon the new day with a fresh mind, as if everything has changed back to the perfect world. But I think after everyday I wear down faster and faster, days seem to get harder by the end more and more. Its easy for me to say that I love everyone. Its easy to say that the world is so beautiful. It is easy to say that life is worth living.


I am calm

Empty

I should have left when I first had the chance. She was so angry, so afraid. And I was alone. I always feel alone. Perhaps that is why I love her, or why I think I love her, because she fills in the empty space, and when she fails to do that I get sad. Its a new discovery and an old discovery this all consuming empty space, this void within me that thrives for attention, and begs for affection. I hate it, I hate me, I want to fix this so bad, or I want to hide, dissapear, I want to stop everything and sleep all day, no work, no play, no food, no water, I want to sleep until I wither away. But I know better, I hate that I always know better, I have to keep going keep pushing ahead or it will do far more damage to everyone. I cannot let this self loathing become too powerful, too destructive, or it will destroy me. That is what hatred does to people, it destroys them.

I feel alone.

Beautiful

"In the name of love, one night in the name of love..."

Its as though every tradgety seems to mar my life, my mind, and tear my heart to peices. It was beautiful how things began and ended, such and irony. Such an irony that something like that, so simple, could touch me to the depths within. I writhe in pain, I feel like I know the pain, I can feel it. Except she never confesses her love it ends with the simple cold remark and chilling look. It ended for me, so many times. I feel like I shouldnt even be worrying about this, she is paid to make people believe. Me belive. That is what it says, it must be true though, there is no other way, how could such darkness capture my heart except through undying deception. How could I even wish for something so unreal, so imaginary. How could I even let myself imagine this, and why cant I let it go, even if I know its just an illusion created by the strange power within her.

Perhaps my love will be the cure, not the illusion or dream, but my true love that I have wished for so long. The one I would die for, do anything for, the one that I could spend my life with happily, without fear or pain.

Damn this illusion. And damn me for believing in it.
.... Perhaps a knife in the flesh will wake me up from this horrible dream.

Sinking

"Why are you so depressed all the time? Everytime I walk away from you I feel like hanging myself."

I have those days I guess, where everything seems dark and numb, where things seem so distant and cold and dry. The pain of things seem to be spread about so much that I can hardly feel them. But then again, the only place I can feel when I feel this way is my heart. My heart is on fire while the rest of my body is a numbing cold. I feel like my heart is decaying and bleeding in my chest as it burns.

Sinking
Lower and Lower
My heart settles
into an abyss
a firey shock
and a numbing cold
My mind and body
float in darkness
while my heart slowely
eats away by icy fire

It all seems surreal sometimes, everything around me, as if I am dreaming it and nothing is actually happening, that soon I will wake up with the sun in my eyes. But I know its real because I can feel the heavy bag weighing on my heart as it pushes down harder and harder. It becomes more difficult to breath, a struggle persay, maybe my heart is blocking the airway, and the bag is pushing the air out. Harder and harder for air to come in. And soon amoung this dream I get the urge to bleed, to feel. And maybe die, die so it will end. But I know not to, the time will come when I stop feeling this way.

Night

Its night right now, I had to write that short story in the post before so many elements from things that have been said, I hope everyone likes it.

It seems every time I have questions I get answers so fast. I'm glad, I hate questioning, I hate gambling. Blegh. Its so dark, and I am so tired, but I want to write I have to write, I'm always writing. No really deep thoughts tonight, I guess I just smashed them into that other post.

Hm, good and evil, hate and love. Its hard to define good ane evil, its so difficult to say what is good and what is evil, but after thinking about it, I think that love is good, it is the ultimate good. It is the one thing that without greed can cause a person to be good to another, to help and be kind. Love is the one thing that ultimately builds in any circumstance. While hate is the one that strictly destroys, there is never building with hate only destroying. Hate is the ultimate evil. Perhaps that is why I love everyone, I will always love everyone no matter what they do. I guess it is out of desire to always be good. This also helped me realize that religion is not what defines good and evil. Which means I am not going to Hell if it exists....

......right?

The Subberbs of Dozengeo

The blazing sun beat down on the land of Doublevadican, the land was dry and without fruit. Although the leader of the Jeremites knew who he was and whence he came he was sweating, unmoving, waiting. Waiting as he always was, waiting for something to happen something come, something to distract him, words and pictuers could only hold his attention for so long. He set the fire and began to put some meager food to the flame in hopes that the small nurishment would hold his frail body for that much longer until something came. When the food, mostly made of meat and potatoes were about half cooked a signal came from a distance, a voice was heard:

"What are you doing?" the voice was female and quite attractive sounding by any means, and ontop of that knowlege there was also the knowlege of who this damsile was, a gypsy from the realm of Godhouse and was known throughout out that land. Not only as wild and mysterious, but also reveared as queen by the Kameronites, and desired by many a men.

The leader of the Jeremites stood and pondered the question for but a moment before responding, "making myself a meal."

"Oh." Was the simple reply emitted from her lungs.

"What did you need?" the leader asked being a kindly friend to this unfortunate sounding woman.

"Lunch?" she said hopefully. And the man was off he soon found her, she had her passport, she entered the Doublevatican, she then paid her respects for John Paul and that other guy, said hello to Jesus and bowed to Emperor Snuffins as was the custum when entering the Doublevatican. After they repsonded in their usual manner the leader of the Jeremites and the mysterious gypsy queen traveled their way, and lunch was at had, three slabs of meat smashed between bread and set with other products such as vegtibles. They ate and talked about what had happened over a period of time. They discussed things such as the fabulous country of Doublevatican and its capital Dozengeo, and how these names suited this strange and quite large country. They also discussed such things as Emperor Snuffins and his wonderous shoes which he named chuck. They also discussed such things as their jobs and how much these jobs were needed but disliked except for few people such as the renoun philosipher Tim.

So the day went on, laughs and yells emitted from these two such people as they spent time together, as was the custum, love and hate, close and far. It was how things were and how they were expected amoung both of their people. Music was played and tales of Increadible things were told, such as ghosts and houses. Both being displeased with these tales they left the dwelling in which they resode and made their way to find their fellow man. When found they set to work, each being dissapointed with what they were doing and the measly break between the hours of labor they finally came to the desision that they must see a better act of frightening tales. They made the plan and went to dinner. They ate their witch was provided a man and woman that interested in both of them. Once they talked about things such as writing and of unusual sisters. After finishing their meal they continued with a deep and wonderous conversatino about, good and evil, love and hate, hope and despair. This lasted until the disapointing reschedualing with the play.

After seding the unfortunate actors to the gallows they left again. They soon found themsleves in a stopping where people would let their beasts of burden rest while they educated themselves on technichal arts. The gypsy queen and the leader of the Jeremites began talking soon of deep heartfelt things, such as chickens and cows and values of each. Emotions rose and the dicsussion heated. After a phrase was spoken and the following long silence, under the moonlit sky and the starfilled universe they kissed and spoke and laughed and sung. The tender feelings were felt as they sung of the best song in the world, at least a tribute of it. But the most imporant part was the kiss, finally uniting the two peoples, at least for a period of time, whether or long. The passion and feeling emitted on that starlit night could be felt from miles away, and such as evertying ends in time, this too would end. But that starlit night was worth it, because in the end that is what it all comes down to in the land of the Doublevatican, within the Subberbs of Dozengeo.

Sleepless

So many things were said yesterday. So many things about my future this summer. So many things that were clear in my mind have mutated into a jumble of questions. I asked myself over and over again wondering, thinking, imagining, what will I do? What could happen? What have I become to think this way? And what was I to question my every action? I spoke to her about what was priorly said, I said it as if it were a funny thing. And yet inside this one thing is a tick always there. And the way she took it was.... surprising, and yet not at the same time. She is always so positive, so thoughtful, so enchoraging. And yet at the same time she is realistic, smart, and kind. How does she pull off perfection in such a manner. Where her choices are always right it seems, she doesnt seem to know but she is so smart about things, things that would take me forever to think about only take her a moment to respond. "Poor innocent Jeremy." Came before the comment, "I finally said, we'll see".

One more sleepless night, and there will be more to follow.

Heart

The slow beat of my heart right now contrasts the quick thub of what earlier. The quick thub and the warm wash. Being asked and speaking of my sweet love. Being able to tell and brag and feel again, its warm wash would fall over me time and time again. I want to be with her, I have always wanted to be with her, and I dont think I'll stop wanting it. She is as beautiful as mid-autum, and as raidiant as the first of summer. I miss her, I love her, and I want to be with her.

I have spoken of how I want to get married, but I have never written it down. I want it to be unplanned, spontanious, an elopment per say, a green hill, just us, the pastur and the witnesses. I want it to be intimate, slow, romantic. I dont want stress or nervousness, just love. One moment of bliss rather than six of stress.

But who knows, maybe it wont happen, perhaps I wont end up with her. It scares me to think of that. To think that I am centering my life on someone that I love, but I dont know whether I will be with in the end. Oh well, I think I will be ok.

I am alive.

New month

The six month has come to an end, like every sunny day. Its the first now as I sit in this dark morning. Another month of joys and sorrows where life is lived, loved, and lost. July, the long awaited. Hopes, dreams, and choices have all come down to this month. The month that contains the week, that contains the day, that I see my love again. The one that I was with for so long. And without for so much longer, the Hell has almost ended and the joy of joys is soon to come.

So the questions start comeing, the doubts, perhaps I am no longer what she wants. Or worse yet, as impossible as it seems, what if she is not what I want. I ask these questions with the second one in mind. The only one who has ever made me angery. What if she is the one for me? But I already know that answer. While I was away in the desert state my thoughts stayed on one girl and that was my german princess, my first love, and the one person I can see myself spending the rest of my life with.

I am sitting in my room, it is late, and I am tired, but I cannot remove my fingers from these keys, they call to me. Maybe I am waiting for something to happen. I suppose as of late all I have been doing is waiting, I have no control anymore, I have let loose the reigns and I am hoping someone else will catch them and save me. Maybe that is why death seems so easy and life seems so hard, I am no longer in control, and I am waiting. Things will work. I only have 26 more days to wait.

Thinking

You ask me what I am thinking about? I am wondering why you came onto me earlier. You ask me why I wont tell you. Because you dont want to hear it, you do these things because it manipulates me, that is why I have become so desensitized to you. Inside you are probably wondering why I didnt react to what you did. Because I am through with the mind games and my emotions being played with, my heart is now reserved for one person and that is the one person who loves me.

It hurts me just as much as it hurts you to be so quiet. But why should I tell you what I am thinking about if you will not tell me? Why should I suck up to you anymore, all you do is suck all of it out of me, every ounce of blood. You wonder why I wont tell you any of these things? Because you will not hear them, you will only turn them around on me. I am sick of being the bad guy in every situation. I am sick of it always being my fault. I am sick of being "the mean one" what has happend to all of the nice things that I have done? Huh? Is it all irrelevent because I want to be selfish for once, that perhaps I want feedback from you more than a joke, or perhaps that once in a blue moon "thank you".

Maybe I want to be surpised sometime with something nice, like perhaps you have a small meal that you made. Or maybe a note? Perhaps you could have something planned rather on me saying. "What do you want to do?" then have to drive, pay, and take shit. Perhaps we can talk today about how mean I am, or how I want something that you will only give to say.... everyone aside from myself, or maybe we can talk about how sad your life is and how picked on you are, and how I should feel sorry for you. Well damn it! I am sick and tired of being sorry for you. Its always about you, even when its about me, its about you. I want to be noticed as something for once, something special maybe, perhaps as something good. Instead of a beast of burden which takes care of all your troubles of every sort.

God I love you. I just cant stand the fact that even when you say I am not, in your mind I am and always will be nothing.

This is your song:


I am upset because to you, I am nothing.

Sitting

I am sitting right now. Waiting I suppose, waiting for something to happen and come, come to distract me. They always come, but I have noticed they come less and less anymore. Lucky my sister is here. Maybe I should go take pictures, or dred, go for a run. But for now I am checking and rechecking everything I have on this computer waiting for something new to happen.


flowers from my chair, somewhat irrelevent, but I wanted to post a picture.


My sister just left, I think I am going to find something to distract myself with. Such a dismal post.

What I am right now: bored. What I will be: Distracted.

Coffee

Coffee is so nice for a social idea. Brilliant. I would have to say that coffee is the one drink that people can talk over, it seems to me every other drink is for.... well drinking.

"I am Jeremy, and thus it is."

A day of self-relization to be sure. One day a while ago I found that I am very small, you see everyone knows how small they are, but they dont realize it. Well this is a different situation altogether. I have been asked are you strait? Or are you religious? Or are you emo? No. I am not. I am Jeremy, these things are just insidental to me. they are part of me, I am not part of them. I think I can be comftorble doing anything now, I can hug a gay person, a strait person, anyone, because I am not insecure, why do others opinions matter? I am who I am and nothing you say can change that, no lable can change that. Because I am none of these things, I am Jeremy.

Sacrelige

They all seem to see a Hell reeking from me. I was the one that made them stronger in what they belive, and now that I am gone they hate me for it. I hurt, it pains, it sears not belive in what I thought I had. This darkness is constantly enveloping it consumes me, what once produced light that none could resist is now being consumed by the darkness itself. Who would know that the light would one day loose. That the passion would die, that I would become those who sink in self-loathing, become one of the ever hated and pain seeker, a blood weeper. Who knew that not only would I go to Hell but I became the Hell. I was once the cure and now the curse the plague itself.

This is me, I am what I fought, become what I hated.