New month

The six month has come to an end, like every sunny day. Its the first now as I sit in this dark morning. Another month of joys and sorrows where life is lived, loved, and lost. July, the long awaited. Hopes, dreams, and choices have all come down to this month. The month that contains the week, that contains the day, that I see my love again. The one that I was with for so long. And without for so much longer, the Hell has almost ended and the joy of joys is soon to come.

So the questions start comeing, the doubts, perhaps I am no longer what she wants. Or worse yet, as impossible as it seems, what if she is not what I want. I ask these questions with the second one in mind. The only one who has ever made me angery. What if she is the one for me? But I already know that answer. While I was away in the desert state my thoughts stayed on one girl and that was my german princess, my first love, and the one person I can see myself spending the rest of my life with.

I am sitting in my room, it is late, and I am tired, but I cannot remove my fingers from these keys, they call to me. Maybe I am waiting for something to happen. I suppose as of late all I have been doing is waiting, I have no control anymore, I have let loose the reigns and I am hoping someone else will catch them and save me. Maybe that is why death seems so easy and life seems so hard, I am no longer in control, and I am waiting. Things will work. I only have 26 more days to wait.

Thinking

You ask me what I am thinking about? I am wondering why you came onto me earlier. You ask me why I wont tell you. Because you dont want to hear it, you do these things because it manipulates me, that is why I have become so desensitized to you. Inside you are probably wondering why I didnt react to what you did. Because I am through with the mind games and my emotions being played with, my heart is now reserved for one person and that is the one person who loves me.

It hurts me just as much as it hurts you to be so quiet. But why should I tell you what I am thinking about if you will not tell me? Why should I suck up to you anymore, all you do is suck all of it out of me, every ounce of blood. You wonder why I wont tell you any of these things? Because you will not hear them, you will only turn them around on me. I am sick of being the bad guy in every situation. I am sick of it always being my fault. I am sick of being "the mean one" what has happend to all of the nice things that I have done? Huh? Is it all irrelevent because I want to be selfish for once, that perhaps I want feedback from you more than a joke, or perhaps that once in a blue moon "thank you".

Maybe I want to be surpised sometime with something nice, like perhaps you have a small meal that you made. Or maybe a note? Perhaps you could have something planned rather on me saying. "What do you want to do?" then have to drive, pay, and take shit. Perhaps we can talk today about how mean I am, or how I want something that you will only give to say.... everyone aside from myself, or maybe we can talk about how sad your life is and how picked on you are, and how I should feel sorry for you. Well damn it! I am sick and tired of being sorry for you. Its always about you, even when its about me, its about you. I want to be noticed as something for once, something special maybe, perhaps as something good. Instead of a beast of burden which takes care of all your troubles of every sort.

God I love you. I just cant stand the fact that even when you say I am not, in your mind I am and always will be nothing.

This is your song:


I am upset because to you, I am nothing.

Sitting

I am sitting right now. Waiting I suppose, waiting for something to happen and come, come to distract me. They always come, but I have noticed they come less and less anymore. Lucky my sister is here. Maybe I should go take pictures, or dred, go for a run. But for now I am checking and rechecking everything I have on this computer waiting for something new to happen.


flowers from my chair, somewhat irrelevent, but I wanted to post a picture.


My sister just left, I think I am going to find something to distract myself with. Such a dismal post.

What I am right now: bored. What I will be: Distracted.

Coffee

Coffee is so nice for a social idea. Brilliant. I would have to say that coffee is the one drink that people can talk over, it seems to me every other drink is for.... well drinking.

"I am Jeremy, and thus it is."

A day of self-relization to be sure. One day a while ago I found that I am very small, you see everyone knows how small they are, but they dont realize it. Well this is a different situation altogether. I have been asked are you strait? Or are you religious? Or are you emo? No. I am not. I am Jeremy, these things are just insidental to me. they are part of me, I am not part of them. I think I can be comftorble doing anything now, I can hug a gay person, a strait person, anyone, because I am not insecure, why do others opinions matter? I am who I am and nothing you say can change that, no lable can change that. Because I am none of these things, I am Jeremy.

Sacrelige

They all seem to see a Hell reeking from me. I was the one that made them stronger in what they belive, and now that I am gone they hate me for it. I hurt, it pains, it sears not belive in what I thought I had. This darkness is constantly enveloping it consumes me, what once produced light that none could resist is now being consumed by the darkness itself. Who would know that the light would one day loose. That the passion would die, that I would become those who sink in self-loathing, become one of the ever hated and pain seeker, a blood weeper. Who knew that not only would I go to Hell but I became the Hell. I was once the cure and now the curse the plague itself.

This is me, I am what I fought, become what I hated.