Stance

I finally got some balls and told her to dump him for me.

I think its going rather well.

my days will soon consist of sleeping and working. That sucks.

I love her.

Overload with thoughts

Went to coffee today. That was fun. Prolly going to be working a third job soon. I'm getting really big into D&D, another release, it is really fun. We did it on saturday and going to continue doing it hopefully every saturday.

At coffee I was told to keep holding onto hope. I think I will. I think I am going to wait, at least for a little while. I really do love her, and I am going to be her friend whether or not it gets any deeper.

On that note I feel confident its all going to work out for me, I dont know how its going to work out, but I think I will be happy either way. I'm going to keep my options open, but I think..... I am going to stay. I know, shock. Why am I staying? Well, maybe it is because I am stupid.

I am going to move out of my house though, that is official, I dont want to live at home now that I have tasted independancy. I think I am ready, I am going to pay off a few more things, get myself a little car, save up a couple thousand dollars and then I'll be on my own. But still near by.

I am feeling very calm right now, almost reverant. Is it the music that I am listening to? Or what I am writing? Could it be what is going through my mind, the same thing that is consistantly going through my mind?

There are too many triggers, things that attack my mind are replay my stupidity. I spoke of it at the work party on Saturday, for the first time. I didnt get much feedback, I shut up after that.

"Who needs love anyway?" I got asked that today. I said that I do. Maybe I dont need it to survive, or be happy, but I need it. I dont know how to explain it. I have gotten past the 'depressed' Jeremy, I have moved beyond the 'needy' Jeremy, I am now the..... 'whatever the hell I am' Jeremy. Perhaps its a bad thing that I have stopped showing that I care when things hurt me, I dont want to be attention seeking, I dont want to be depressed and have everyone concerned about my well being. So I am not depressed and I am not attention seeking. I am still fun and sensitive, hopeful and loud, helpful and deep. Its all there on the inside, but I have discovered something, its not always good to express myself, I am not keeping it kempt in, I do say when something is on my mind, I just do not over do it.

I dont know what I am saying anymore. Haha. I hope I am better though. Ha! I still tell her that I like her, even when she does have a boyfriend. :/ I'm prolly retarded for doing it. I feel that way.

I wish I knew what she was thinking anymore. Really, she had stopped telling me things after she got mad at me, even after we made up. It was always a silly moment for us, there was never time for me to tell her what I felt, and there was never the thought that I even had a chance anymore. Not until after it was too late. They tell me its not too late.... are they right? I really wish we were more open. I just feel like it would have been much easier.

:P Listen to me filling your minds with my regrets. Yes, I suppose they are regrets. Bah! I know what I am going to do if I get another chance though. As soon as I have it I will act. I am not passing it up again, I am not letting her go again. Unless she doesnt want it of course. She says she is happy when she is with me. At least sinse I have not been retarded. I feel happy with her, I have always felt happy around her and with her. ^_^ it makes me smile just thinking about it.

Wow. Ranting about love again. What else is happening? I dont really know, not much else is on my mind, I suppose that is why I can talk about it so much, eh? My friend has been texting me a lot lately, I think she likes me. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. Perhaps I am too infatuated with her to give anyone else a chance, but I suppose that is how it has always been after I met her, except for a couple of times, I think that is after I had given up though. I dont know. I think I am going to ask her what she wants me to do when she gets back. I know that is retarded of me. But its my best bet. She will prolly tell me exactly what I tell her. "Do whatever you want." I hope she gives me a specific response. Should I move on with my life? Or should I wait? Should I get as far away from her as possible? Or should I stay? I dont know what else I can ask. I want her to tell me what exactly she is thinking about me right now. Maybe I'll ask that too.

God. How did I get away with that twice, just speaking my mind I guess. Let me know what you all think. He is definately a retard. I know. I'll get over it, I'm good at that. Aaaaaand.... I'm going to bed now.

Goodnight everyone. ^_^v

wrong

I look back at a lot of my old posts and I have noticed a consistancy, each time I have had a girl I have felt like I was in love. I dont know if its the case this time, it might be like every other time, or maybe its something more. It feels like everything works, like there is some life in it, some spice, but consistancy, there are no long lasting hard feelings, no boredom.... just bliss. But who knows. I've been wrong before.

Letter

I wrote you a letter last night, in the cold while I floated in the chair, there was everything. How I felt, how I truely felt. I've lied to everyone, even myself. I do everything to convince myself that you are not good for me, not what I want, not what I need. I find other people and try to attach myself to them, it never works, I always come back. I try not to think about you, I really do. It doesnt work. I wanted to give you this letter, so many things that would be hard to take in, I suppose that is why I did not give it to you, I am afraid, I have always been afraid of failing, of loosing, of not being good enough, I've been so afraid that I couldnt see past my own nose, I could not see my chance, and I feel like its lost, like there is no chance anymore.

I.... I hope there is.

Beautiful

You are beautiful my best friend. Though we have stopped talking, you are still beautiful. The way you think and live and love. The way you find joy and anger, and the way it all leaves your lips. You are still beautiful. The way that you hate me and the way it hurts is still beauty to look upon. You were an amazing friend and I do not regret one moment spent with you, I still care my bestfriend, and I still think you are beautiful.

You are beautiful my princess of old, though I have grown apart from you and moved on in my life, you are still beautiful to me, the way you care and share and give without complaint. You are beautiful the way you smile and play and tease. The memories I shared with you will always have a place in my heart and your face will always be a loved one, though I have moved on you are still a princess to me.

You are beautiful my new love. The way that you are alive and how you smile always, everytime I look in your eyes they gleam with joy. You are beautiful in the way that I want to be happy even in the darkest of times. You have given me new life, and for that, you have my love.

To each girl who has touched my lips and had my deepest love, this is my tribute to you, I care about you and I love you, I never will stop caring or loving no matter where this life takes me, I will always be there if you call and ask. And to each of you I thank, because I have gained so much from being with you.

I smile at my memories with you.

Letter

"hey my love, I feel like writing to you. After we stopped talking I read all your blog entries all over again. Every single word at least once. You are a great writer, did you know that? The real depressing parts scare me a bit, but I know you are a happy person actually : ) After that I felt like going outside and taking a long walk in the rain, so I did. I thought about you and what you wrote and what you said to me and how happy I am when I can be with you, even just hear your voice. And I thought about what I could tell mom or better how I could tell her that I don't want to leave for two weeks right after I get there...It would be horrible having to leave you again right away. I decided to call her right when I got home and I did. But i couldn't change anything. She has planned everything already, booked stuff and all and she is way excited about it. I told her that I wanted to be with you and with other friends and everything...she understands but it is too late to change the plans. What am I gonna do, love? It makes me so sad... They want to take me to California, to Hollywood, Disneyland and all that fun stuff. I hope I can have fun there without you. I don't want to go, really. you have to know that, I would rather be with you. but I can understand that they want to spend time with me...why does it have to be so long though?I am confused, I don't know what to feel...I am angry cause I have just been wating for something that would destroy my dream that seemed so close to becoming true, everything seemed to work out just like I wanted it to. but now it doesn't anymore. now I am only gonna see you for 4 weeks instead of 6. it makes me cry. I hate this, Jeremy! I am gonna see you at the airport when I get there. they want to have the party the next day and I am gonna be tired that night so we can't hang out. maybe the next night, before I leave again. I should just steal out at night and meet you and stay with you all night, just with you. I am gonna need a lot of Jeremy before I am gonna have to leave you again for two weeks...I am gonna die cause I will miss you so much. they can't let me have you and then take you away again, that's just cruel! but it's how it is gonna be...I am sorry, I guess it is my turn to write depressing stuff, huh. it is just that it makes me so sad...all right, they will get their two weeks, then they won't see much of me for the rest of the time, cause I am gonna run away with you and hide some place nobody can find us! you know what? I love you tons, many, many tons and I can't stand being away from you anymore. it breaks my heart. you are the real reason I am coming this summer, I hope you know that. you are what is most important to me. I dont want to see hollywood or disneyland and I don't want to have a party. i just want to hug you and kiss you and talk to you for hours and hours and feel you being close to me. I will go on this trip cause it will make my family happy especially mom and the girls, they are so excited to meet me and they need me. and as soon as i get back I will be with you every day. can't we go to arizona for like a week or something, driving there and being there together? we have to make up for the two weeks we are missing...well I could go on like this forever and you are probably already tired reading this, sorry. see how much I need you to talk to me? : )I love you so much my cute love. so so much. it hurts to love so much."

This is kind, this is understanding, this is love. I dont know what to do my love, I dont know what to say, that two weeks is going to be harder than any of this ever was. But we can make it. We have a life time to be together after this is all over.

I love her

Memory

"If she is as bad for you as you say why do you hang out with her all the time still?"

That is a question that I have often wondered about, myself. I suppose there are reasons on both sides. I think my biggest argument for hanging out with her is that she fills in the space, she makes me feel needed, and she keeps me distracted from that egging hole inside of me. But there are so many things that dont make sense, her manipulative ways, the way that she makes me angry. Things are so exteme when I with her, but she is definately not good for me.

My friends and I went to the movies today, it was good to see them again, I have not spoken to either for a while. We are so close, but since my love had left I have spent less and less time with both of them, I love them but its hard to stay so close without her, perhaps they carry so much memory of her, I cry to myself and I lie to myself when they are there. They remind me of what I had and how much I miss it.

I love her so much.

Heart

The slow beat of my heart right now contrasts the quick thub of what earlier. The quick thub and the warm wash. Being asked and speaking of my sweet love. Being able to tell and brag and feel again, its warm wash would fall over me time and time again. I want to be with her, I have always wanted to be with her, and I dont think I'll stop wanting it. She is as beautiful as mid-autum, and as raidiant as the first of summer. I miss her, I love her, and I want to be with her.

I have spoken of how I want to get married, but I have never written it down. I want it to be unplanned, spontanious, an elopment per say, a green hill, just us, the pastur and the witnesses. I want it to be intimate, slow, romantic. I dont want stress or nervousness, just love. One moment of bliss rather than six of stress.

But who knows, maybe it wont happen, perhaps I wont end up with her. It scares me to think of that. To think that I am centering my life on someone that I love, but I dont know whether I will be with in the end. Oh well, I think I will be ok.

I am alive.