wrong

I look back at a lot of my old posts and I have noticed a consistancy, each time I have had a girl I have felt like I was in love. I dont know if its the case this time, it might be like every other time, or maybe its something more. It feels like everything works, like there is some life in it, some spice, but consistancy, there are no long lasting hard feelings, no boredom.... just bliss. But who knows. I've been wrong before.

Memory

"If she is as bad for you as you say why do you hang out with her all the time still?"

That is a question that I have often wondered about, myself. I suppose there are reasons on both sides. I think my biggest argument for hanging out with her is that she fills in the space, she makes me feel needed, and she keeps me distracted from that egging hole inside of me. But there are so many things that dont make sense, her manipulative ways, the way that she makes me angry. Things are so exteme when I with her, but she is definately not good for me.

My friends and I went to the movies today, it was good to see them again, I have not spoken to either for a while. We are so close, but since my love had left I have spent less and less time with both of them, I love them but its hard to stay so close without her, perhaps they carry so much memory of her, I cry to myself and I lie to myself when they are there. They remind me of what I had and how much I miss it.

I love her so much.

Beautiful

"In the name of love, one night in the name of love..."

Its as though every tradgety seems to mar my life, my mind, and tear my heart to peices. It was beautiful how things began and ended, such and irony. Such an irony that something like that, so simple, could touch me to the depths within. I writhe in pain, I feel like I know the pain, I can feel it. Except she never confesses her love it ends with the simple cold remark and chilling look. It ended for me, so many times. I feel like I shouldnt even be worrying about this, she is paid to make people believe. Me belive. That is what it says, it must be true though, there is no other way, how could such darkness capture my heart except through undying deception. How could I even wish for something so unreal, so imaginary. How could I even let myself imagine this, and why cant I let it go, even if I know its just an illusion created by the strange power within her.

Perhaps my love will be the cure, not the illusion or dream, but my true love that I have wished for so long. The one I would die for, do anything for, the one that I could spend my life with happily, without fear or pain.

Damn this illusion. And damn me for believing in it.
.... Perhaps a knife in the flesh will wake me up from this horrible dream.