Overload with thoughts

Went to coffee today. That was fun. Prolly going to be working a third job soon. I'm getting really big into D&D, another release, it is really fun. We did it on saturday and going to continue doing it hopefully every saturday.

At coffee I was told to keep holding onto hope. I think I will. I think I am going to wait, at least for a little while. I really do love her, and I am going to be her friend whether or not it gets any deeper.

On that note I feel confident its all going to work out for me, I dont know how its going to work out, but I think I will be happy either way. I'm going to keep my options open, but I think..... I am going to stay. I know, shock. Why am I staying? Well, maybe it is because I am stupid.

I am going to move out of my house though, that is official, I dont want to live at home now that I have tasted independancy. I think I am ready, I am going to pay off a few more things, get myself a little car, save up a couple thousand dollars and then I'll be on my own. But still near by.

I am feeling very calm right now, almost reverant. Is it the music that I am listening to? Or what I am writing? Could it be what is going through my mind, the same thing that is consistantly going through my mind?

There are too many triggers, things that attack my mind are replay my stupidity. I spoke of it at the work party on Saturday, for the first time. I didnt get much feedback, I shut up after that.

"Who needs love anyway?" I got asked that today. I said that I do. Maybe I dont need it to survive, or be happy, but I need it. I dont know how to explain it. I have gotten past the 'depressed' Jeremy, I have moved beyond the 'needy' Jeremy, I am now the..... 'whatever the hell I am' Jeremy. Perhaps its a bad thing that I have stopped showing that I care when things hurt me, I dont want to be attention seeking, I dont want to be depressed and have everyone concerned about my well being. So I am not depressed and I am not attention seeking. I am still fun and sensitive, hopeful and loud, helpful and deep. Its all there on the inside, but I have discovered something, its not always good to express myself, I am not keeping it kempt in, I do say when something is on my mind, I just do not over do it.

I dont know what I am saying anymore. Haha. I hope I am better though. Ha! I still tell her that I like her, even when she does have a boyfriend. :/ I'm prolly retarded for doing it. I feel that way.

I wish I knew what she was thinking anymore. Really, she had stopped telling me things after she got mad at me, even after we made up. It was always a silly moment for us, there was never time for me to tell her what I felt, and there was never the thought that I even had a chance anymore. Not until after it was too late. They tell me its not too late.... are they right? I really wish we were more open. I just feel like it would have been much easier.

:P Listen to me filling your minds with my regrets. Yes, I suppose they are regrets. Bah! I know what I am going to do if I get another chance though. As soon as I have it I will act. I am not passing it up again, I am not letting her go again. Unless she doesnt want it of course. She says she is happy when she is with me. At least sinse I have not been retarded. I feel happy with her, I have always felt happy around her and with her. ^_^ it makes me smile just thinking about it.

Wow. Ranting about love again. What else is happening? I dont really know, not much else is on my mind, I suppose that is why I can talk about it so much, eh? My friend has been texting me a lot lately, I think she likes me. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. Perhaps I am too infatuated with her to give anyone else a chance, but I suppose that is how it has always been after I met her, except for a couple of times, I think that is after I had given up though. I dont know. I think I am going to ask her what she wants me to do when she gets back. I know that is retarded of me. But its my best bet. She will prolly tell me exactly what I tell her. "Do whatever you want." I hope she gives me a specific response. Should I move on with my life? Or should I wait? Should I get as far away from her as possible? Or should I stay? I dont know what else I can ask. I want her to tell me what exactly she is thinking about me right now. Maybe I'll ask that too.

God. How did I get away with that twice, just speaking my mind I guess. Let me know what you all think. He is definately a retard. I know. I'll get over it, I'm good at that. Aaaaaand.... I'm going to bed now.

Goodnight everyone. ^_^v

Letter

I wrote you a letter last night, in the cold while I floated in the chair, there was everything. How I felt, how I truely felt. I've lied to everyone, even myself. I do everything to convince myself that you are not good for me, not what I want, not what I need. I find other people and try to attach myself to them, it never works, I always come back. I try not to think about you, I really do. It doesnt work. I wanted to give you this letter, so many things that would be hard to take in, I suppose that is why I did not give it to you, I am afraid, I have always been afraid of failing, of loosing, of not being good enough, I've been so afraid that I couldnt see past my own nose, I could not see my chance, and I feel like its lost, like there is no chance anymore.

I.... I hope there is.

Thinking

You ask me what I am thinking about? I am wondering why you came onto me earlier. You ask me why I wont tell you. Because you dont want to hear it, you do these things because it manipulates me, that is why I have become so desensitized to you. Inside you are probably wondering why I didnt react to what you did. Because I am through with the mind games and my emotions being played with, my heart is now reserved for one person and that is the one person who loves me.

It hurts me just as much as it hurts you to be so quiet. But why should I tell you what I am thinking about if you will not tell me? Why should I suck up to you anymore, all you do is suck all of it out of me, every ounce of blood. You wonder why I wont tell you any of these things? Because you will not hear them, you will only turn them around on me. I am sick of being the bad guy in every situation. I am sick of it always being my fault. I am sick of being "the mean one" what has happend to all of the nice things that I have done? Huh? Is it all irrelevent because I want to be selfish for once, that perhaps I want feedback from you more than a joke, or perhaps that once in a blue moon "thank you".

Maybe I want to be surpised sometime with something nice, like perhaps you have a small meal that you made. Or maybe a note? Perhaps you could have something planned rather on me saying. "What do you want to do?" then have to drive, pay, and take shit. Perhaps we can talk today about how mean I am, or how I want something that you will only give to say.... everyone aside from myself, or maybe we can talk about how sad your life is and how picked on you are, and how I should feel sorry for you. Well damn it! I am sick and tired of being sorry for you. Its always about you, even when its about me, its about you. I want to be noticed as something for once, something special maybe, perhaps as something good. Instead of a beast of burden which takes care of all your troubles of every sort.

God I love you. I just cant stand the fact that even when you say I am not, in your mind I am and always will be nothing.

This is your song:


I am upset because to you, I am nothing.