Overload with thoughts

Went to coffee today. That was fun. Prolly going to be working a third job soon. I'm getting really big into D&D, another release, it is really fun. We did it on saturday and going to continue doing it hopefully every saturday.

At coffee I was told to keep holding onto hope. I think I will. I think I am going to wait, at least for a little while. I really do love her, and I am going to be her friend whether or not it gets any deeper.

On that note I feel confident its all going to work out for me, I dont know how its going to work out, but I think I will be happy either way. I'm going to keep my options open, but I think..... I am going to stay. I know, shock. Why am I staying? Well, maybe it is because I am stupid.

I am going to move out of my house though, that is official, I dont want to live at home now that I have tasted independancy. I think I am ready, I am going to pay off a few more things, get myself a little car, save up a couple thousand dollars and then I'll be on my own. But still near by.

I am feeling very calm right now, almost reverant. Is it the music that I am listening to? Or what I am writing? Could it be what is going through my mind, the same thing that is consistantly going through my mind?

There are too many triggers, things that attack my mind are replay my stupidity. I spoke of it at the work party on Saturday, for the first time. I didnt get much feedback, I shut up after that.

"Who needs love anyway?" I got asked that today. I said that I do. Maybe I dont need it to survive, or be happy, but I need it. I dont know how to explain it. I have gotten past the 'depressed' Jeremy, I have moved beyond the 'needy' Jeremy, I am now the..... 'whatever the hell I am' Jeremy. Perhaps its a bad thing that I have stopped showing that I care when things hurt me, I dont want to be attention seeking, I dont want to be depressed and have everyone concerned about my well being. So I am not depressed and I am not attention seeking. I am still fun and sensitive, hopeful and loud, helpful and deep. Its all there on the inside, but I have discovered something, its not always good to express myself, I am not keeping it kempt in, I do say when something is on my mind, I just do not over do it.

I dont know what I am saying anymore. Haha. I hope I am better though. Ha! I still tell her that I like her, even when she does have a boyfriend. :/ I'm prolly retarded for doing it. I feel that way.

I wish I knew what she was thinking anymore. Really, she had stopped telling me things after she got mad at me, even after we made up. It was always a silly moment for us, there was never time for me to tell her what I felt, and there was never the thought that I even had a chance anymore. Not until after it was too late. They tell me its not too late.... are they right? I really wish we were more open. I just feel like it would have been much easier.

:P Listen to me filling your minds with my regrets. Yes, I suppose they are regrets. Bah! I know what I am going to do if I get another chance though. As soon as I have it I will act. I am not passing it up again, I am not letting her go again. Unless she doesnt want it of course. She says she is happy when she is with me. At least sinse I have not been retarded. I feel happy with her, I have always felt happy around her and with her. ^_^ it makes me smile just thinking about it.

Wow. Ranting about love again. What else is happening? I dont really know, not much else is on my mind, I suppose that is why I can talk about it so much, eh? My friend has been texting me a lot lately, I think she likes me. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. Perhaps I am too infatuated with her to give anyone else a chance, but I suppose that is how it has always been after I met her, except for a couple of times, I think that is after I had given up though. I dont know. I think I am going to ask her what she wants me to do when she gets back. I know that is retarded of me. But its my best bet. She will prolly tell me exactly what I tell her. "Do whatever you want." I hope she gives me a specific response. Should I move on with my life? Or should I wait? Should I get as far away from her as possible? Or should I stay? I dont know what else I can ask. I want her to tell me what exactly she is thinking about me right now. Maybe I'll ask that too.

God. How did I get away with that twice, just speaking my mind I guess. Let me know what you all think. He is definately a retard. I know. I'll get over it, I'm good at that. Aaaaaand.... I'm going to bed now.

Goodnight everyone. ^_^v

Letter

I wrote you a letter last night, in the cold while I floated in the chair, there was everything. How I felt, how I truely felt. I've lied to everyone, even myself. I do everything to convince myself that you are not good for me, not what I want, not what I need. I find other people and try to attach myself to them, it never works, I always come back. I try not to think about you, I really do. It doesnt work. I wanted to give you this letter, so many things that would be hard to take in, I suppose that is why I did not give it to you, I am afraid, I have always been afraid of failing, of loosing, of not being good enough, I've been so afraid that I couldnt see past my own nose, I could not see my chance, and I feel like its lost, like there is no chance anymore.

I.... I hope there is.

Cold

Its very cold this morning, overcast and gloomy. My mind seems dead set on mistakes that I have made and things I should have done. I should have done this then instead of thought about it after. I should have won that struggle when I thought about doing this. Regrets of wrong doings seem to constantly haunt me on the after of all the huge letdowns in my life.

Its my fault they are let downs you know. Every last time something happens that makes me sad, its because I could have done something to make it good. Make me happy. I cant say that I am unhappy right now, but its a moment when regrets are filled in my mind. But things will pass. I have a good day ahead of me, I just hate to start it on a bad note.

(More updates tonight after the date ^_^)