Stupid

Everything is so warm now. So tingly.... I cant sleep though. She broke up with me because I was dumb, she is so sweet though, she says she wants to get to know me now before we just be together. It hurts, it shouldnt, I am ok with it, I understand, but it still hurts. But right now it doesnt hurt so much, its all warm right now. Everything is out of focus. light and dark are almost the same. My breathing is slow I cant talk without gasping after each sentence.

I apologized, I realized how dumb I was... and how dumb I am. I feel terrible. I wish things could amend. She was like my sister, I would dare say she still is like my sister, but its been so long sinse she has spoken to me.... I still dont know exactly what I did wrong. But I know I was stupid and manipulative. Nothing really seems like anyone else's fault anymore. I know I was in the wrong the whole time now.

I feel so sick. I am sweating everywhere and yet I am cold. The light is making my head hurt now. My stomache hurts. Everything burns and yet I am still cold. I wish I could sleep, I wish they would put me to sleep, but they are not working. I thought I would never use them again. But I did. I knew I wouldnt be able to sleep. I knew I would keep crying for being so dumb. And now I still cant sleep. But I'm not crying now. I cant cry now. but I still know how dumb I am. I wanted to talk to someone. Someone to make me feel better. But the only person that I actually wanted to talk to about what was happening hates me now. Maybe I should call my sister, she always listens.... never makes things to much better though... well I guess she does... but she is the only one I have called in the past couple of weeks. I really should talk to someone though, even if I dont want to.

Disapointed

I guess nothing can cure this feeling of being alone. Sometimes it can be pushed away, but never completely gone. I have never felt so alone as when she came and it wasnt cured, the only thing that kept me going before was hope, hope for something that was comeing. It was foolish to think that the grass would be greener. But really, what is wrong with thinking that? It is optimistic and it did give me hope. But on the other hand dissapointment is so much more bitter than anything else. I am so dissapointed in my own ability to love anymore. Dissapionted with my lack of faith in what everyone tells me is real. I am dissapointed in the fact that I have lost all hope of things getting better. I do want to run away, but I am afraid of dissapointment again. Will I ever stop being dissapointed? The drugs are finally starting to kick in again, soon I wont be able to feel the soft tears rolling down my cheek.

High

Finally the pain killers are starting to kick in, I was wondering when I would stop feeling again. Oh God, this feels good, I feel so relaxed and carefree, I suppose this is what it is like to be high. :] I like it.

Defied

Why does nothing happen the way it is supposed to?

Alone

Sometimes I just want to be alone. I want bleed from the deeps in peace, I want to wallow in my self inflicted misery my self created pain. I find it easy to blame myself for everying, and I find it hard to blame anyone else for anything. I may think at first that the fault belongs to another but my mind destroys me and tears me apart, I want to hate myself, it is so much easier than hating others. I don’t have to explain myself then, I don’t have to fight or argue, I accept it and I am the only one I have to fight over it. I blame myself for all my wrongs, I blame myself for all of your wrongs, it is always my fault.

Enchantement

I feel as though under and enchantement, as if I am half alive and half dead, I cannot feel except for that warmth that only masaches my muscles. Everything is only half there, when like this I am not controlled by thought or heart but by instinct. It is a dull instinct, unsure of what to do or how to feel about things. My head is throbbing and my heart is only soft in my chest as though ready to give way to the demanding power of my body.

"I want to live where the soul meets body."

Sinking

"Why are you so depressed all the time? Everytime I walk away from you I feel like hanging myself."

I have those days I guess, where everything seems dark and numb, where things seem so distant and cold and dry. The pain of things seem to be spread about so much that I can hardly feel them. But then again, the only place I can feel when I feel this way is my heart. My heart is on fire while the rest of my body is a numbing cold. I feel like my heart is decaying and bleeding in my chest as it burns.

Sinking
Lower and Lower
My heart settles
into an abyss
a firey shock
and a numbing cold
My mind and body
float in darkness
while my heart slowely
eats away by icy fire

It all seems surreal sometimes, everything around me, as if I am dreaming it and nothing is actually happening, that soon I will wake up with the sun in my eyes. But I know its real because I can feel the heavy bag weighing on my heart as it pushes down harder and harder. It becomes more difficult to breath, a struggle persay, maybe my heart is blocking the airway, and the bag is pushing the air out. Harder and harder for air to come in. And soon amoung this dream I get the urge to bleed, to feel. And maybe die, die so it will end. But I know not to, the time will come when I stop feeling this way.